FAQ About Colombia

Temas recurrentes en conversaciones con personas del primer mundo

This document will try to answer some of the most common questions people have when they meet someone from Colombia. It does not intend to provide curious minds with a final truth, but merely to give a glimpse of the discourses that some Colombians use to face the inquiries.

El presente texto intenta aclarar algunas de las preguntas quecarcomen los cerebros de estadounidenses y habitantes del primer mundo sobre ese pequeño y tristemente célebre país que llamamos Colombia.

o. Does Colombia exist?

Well, there is a point in which every conversation can fall into endless relativism. Aside from that, yes, we are acknowledged (although not fully respected), by most of the international organizations that you can think of*.

*Except, perhaps, the World Wrestling Federation and the World Series.

o. Colombia…¿existe?

No. Somos una alucinación colectiva producto de los barbitúricos que utilizan los estadounidenses. Investigaciones recientes demuestran que la mezcla de los carbohidratos presentes en la comida chatarra con algunos componentes químicos de las drogas más utilizadas inhibe un neurotransmisor. Los pacientes en los que se pudo observar esta reacción señalaron haber conocido gente pequeña que se transporta en burros y usa alpargatas. Se cree que esa es una de las posibles causas de las similitudes que se han encontrado entre el presidente Bush y Gárgamel, aunque todavía se desconoce el impacto que tendrán estos resutlados.

Adicionalmente, los pacientes que se golpean la cabeza regularmente mostraron una mayor disposición a sufrir los efectos de la mezcla.

1. Why do local people spell and say its name incorrectly -Colombia-instead of the proper name -Columbia-?

This may sound a little awkward, but actually this is one of the cases in which the local people, ignorant as they are, have it right. U.S.citizens have a closer bond with a private university with a similar name, however, it is easy to tell apart a Colombian from a Columbian: Colombians have a residual tail from the evolution process.

Locals are not very aware of the origin of their national name. It was after the famous Italian, Christopher Columbus, that the country was baptized. Although mistaken about his arrival point, the sailor was one of the best sportsmen who visited the country slaughtering indians in a sport known at the time as Indian Hunting- if you saw Maverick, with Mel Gibson, you probably have a good idea of how difficult the sport is- so, to honour his team spirit and dedication, we, the people of Colombia, decided to name the country after him, despite his poor navigation skills.

1. ¿Por qué la gente dice Colombia cuando quiere decir Columbia?

Es un localismo, desarrollado aparentemente por la cantidad de boquetos existentes en el país. Ellos intentarán corregirlo, de manera que es necesario tener paciencia en este tema. De igual manera, se resisten a asimilar que son una colonia, por lo que se molestan frecuentemente por el uso del gentilicio americano para denotar estadounidense. Ellos no entenderán jamás que se trata de una manera de hacer las cosas más fáciles en Norteamérica.

2. Was the son of Pablo, Andres Escobar, killed because he scored an own goal in the U.S.A. 94 World Cup? Who shot him?

Escobar is a common family name in Colombia. This means that, although Pablo may have had several heirs that we are not well aware of, not every person you meet with his last name will be strictly related to him. Andres Escobar was not part of Pablo Escobar´s family.

Andres Escobar was an incomparable soccer player involved in two very unfortunate incidents, one of which took his life. It is not possible to establish a causal relationship between the two, but then again, it is not possible to say the opposite. However, anyone who has seen the Colombian national soccer team play can easily tell that a lot of players suck, and although their death would eventually contribute to the team´s interest, they are alive. There is no national policy to kill players who mess up in a crucial game. Rene Higuita, for instance, made a mistake that left the Colombian team out of the Italy 90 World Cup, and he is still alive. He was sent to prison, and then he never made that same mistake again, but it is important to state that there is no official or unofficial policy of killing soccer players.

2. ¿Por qué mataron a Andrés Escobar?

Al igual que Gaitán, fue un complot del imperialismo Yankee para impedir el libre desarrollo de las masas y que así asumieran el control de los medios de producción.

3. Do people hunt for food, have ever seen a t.v., walk about naked in Colombia?

Public transportation, and other quaternary period inventions like neon lights have been adopted, but not without inconveniences. The results, rather troglodyte, have sometimes been so negative, that the Congress of the Republic is considering taking a step back from innovations that have still not been proven to have a positive impact for human kind, such as agriculture.

As in any other country, most of the people who wonder about naked are either under the influence of alcohol or in a fashion show. There are some local t.v. channels, but their programming is so far from being decent, that we would have to say, no, most Colombians have never seen t.v..


3. ¿La gente de Colombia caza su propio alimento? ¿Saben lo que es televisión?

Desafortunadamente se han extinto varias especies, por lo que algunas personas han tenido que optar por formas de conseguir alimento alternativas. Es por eso que desde hace un tiempo es posible ver indígenas en el Congreso...y con respecto a la segunda pregunta...no todos en el país vemos Padres e Hijos.

4. Can you buy drugs in Colombian supermarkets?

No. Prohibition works in a very similar way to the alcohol prohibition some decades ago in North America. We hope to make musicals and best sellers out of it too, and have all rights reserved on the stories.

4. ¿Es posible comprar drogas en los supermercados de Colombia?

No, pero es posible comprar Coca-Cola.

5. Are all Colombian women hot, sexy and easy?

Not as much as we, Colombian men, would like. Girls are likely to date any foreign man who shaves his eyebrows.

5. ¿Son las mujeres colombianas hermosas y querendonas?

No, eso es solamente Lady Noriega.

Propiedad gastrointestinal de:Supercontra  

2 piedras han sido lanzadas:

vopa said... 09:16  

Cordial saludo:
Aunque los parrafos en ingles nada que ver por mi tozuda ignorancia de ese idioma, me parecieró muy buena su teoria sobre Colombia y la mente atrofiada de los gringos por la droga. Esa puede ser la explicacion sobre su politica delirante para con este pais. Saludos.

bioloka said... 11:11  

éste si está flojito

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